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Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’ll be mad as hell!
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
consequences, the bane of my existence