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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.