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FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too