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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.