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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020