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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun