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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When your man makes a valid point
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
getting seasonal up in here
