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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
jesus, what did this guy do
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Family Celebrity
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Breaking news:
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana