Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

logging onto twitter…

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*