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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?