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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
This is painfully accurate 😅
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.