You Might Also Like
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles