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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t