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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Monday?
No. Next question.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.