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You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day