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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable