You Might Also Like
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.