You Might Also Like
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!