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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard