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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.