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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that