You Might Also Like
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The French cow says MEUX…
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Dishonest mechanic?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.