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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets