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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Planet of the Apps.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter