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*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
i now pronounce you bounced.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.