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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.