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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
