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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My new favorite headline
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]