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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Feels like the fourth month in January
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.