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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Breaking news:
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.