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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.