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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?