You Might Also Like
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*