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Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Well, this certainly took a turn
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
