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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
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