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My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.