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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
❤️🦆
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Cartman: Respect my
a a
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that