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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
oh shit
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
i- i did not expect this
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire