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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
‘I know a black person’
– White people
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
