You Might Also Like
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe