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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[shakes fist at other fist]
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.