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My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
🤣dope
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Sounds like a bargain
