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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.