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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?