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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It be like that sometimes 😆
What.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
what are they serving at kfc then???
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
murder on the timeline
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?