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*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
At least try to make it slightly believable
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I enjoy a good short stor
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”