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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The Onion called it…again.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I’m aging like a fine banana
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?