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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
no their not
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
tis the season
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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