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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
me irl
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*