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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Who called it baking and not making love
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!