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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.