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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.