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Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Worst bar ever.
