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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
me opening up to someone
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear