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Is fake venison called venisn’t
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
money maker
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???