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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Never be a pizza!
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…