Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

No regrets in 2018

Ah yes. The three genders

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

🤣🤣

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.