Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.