Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

me irl

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.