9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
![]()
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
#damn
![]()
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.