9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.