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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.