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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Potatoes were such a good idea
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely