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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
それは草
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Solving a traffic jam
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.