9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Only you can prevent podcasts
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date