You Might Also Like
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m sure it’s fine.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend