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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.