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In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me