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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels