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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*