You Might Also Like
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
gender is a sprctrum
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I feel it
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.