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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.