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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not