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Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
translated into Canadian
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
How wrong was this guy?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.