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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Some people were born into their job.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.