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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
i’m sure it’s fine
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.