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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*