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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
This makes total sense…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no