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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently